Words We Regret
by TheAngelofFate
Summary: "He cares about you, Kanan. We may have given him the family he's always wanted but you gave him something else." When a mission gone wrong leaves Kanan unconscious in the hospital for three days, he'll realize just how needed he actually is to the crew, and to Ezra. {Spoilers for S3 'Steps Into The Shadow'. No slash, just some Space Dad and Son fluff, Reviews are much appreciated}


In light of the season 3 premiere of Star Wars Rebels— which has fueled my fire for writing I decided to write this because combined with the Kanan feels from this episode and with what Filoni said about him in an interview I couldn't help but start writing.

(And to clarify yes I am aware that Kanan has admitted his feelings about himself and kinda sorta has forgiven himself but what Ezra said to him had to have hurt a lot)

* * *

I clutched the Holocron tightly in my grasp as I walked back to my room on the Ghost, all the while trying to calm my breathing, to dispel the thoughts that were swirling around inside my head from the conversation I had with my padawan just moments ago. A conversation that ended with nothing like how I envisioned it before I stepped inside. I had no idea that my student was using the Holocron for the past six months without my knowledge, _how_ had I _**not**_ known that Ezra was that tempted by this kriffing thing?

Yet another thing to add to my many mistake list.

 _"Fine! I don't need it! Just like I don't need you!"_

I flinched, my heart aching as I walked back into my own room. Those words stung, each time I recalled them the ache in my chest only got worse. I leaned against the door and slide down onto the floor. They hurt me more then he will ever realize because I knew that they were true. Ezra didn't need me as his teacher, he never needed me. He may have needed a Master per say but he never needed me. Ezra didn't need someone who was constantly running from his past, who was afraid of facing his inner demons and all the guilt that he harbors over the past sixteen years.

Ezra deserved better, a better Master— a better guardian. What happened to Ahsoka, the loss of my vision, and the kid's obsession and excessive use of this Holocron proved that I am still incapable of teaching him everything he needed to know, for I fear now he's heading down a path that I can't pull him out from.

And I accepted that I can't protect Ezra from the Dark Side of the Force forever, I have accepted that. But when he does things like this I can't help but want to yank him back to me whenever he gets too close to that dark temptation.

Wrapping my arms around my legs I pulled them to me and finally grieved for all that I have lost, and all that I fear of losing because of the war we were fighting— I grieved for all the consequences my failure has brought to those I care about.

I failed my Master Depa as a child.

I looked to Ahsoka for guidance and security— and I failed her as well.

I can't fail Ezra too.

* * *

Missions to rescue innocent hostages from enemy ships never turn out well for our crew. Something always goes wrong and we end up having to fight our way out. They never go right— even when we plan ahead, even when it's all going so smoothly in the beginning it doesn't stay that way.

And that's exactly what happened to Sabine, Zeb, and I. We were taking heavy fire from Troopers running towards the exist with our 5 of the 8 prisoners back that were injured but alive to our Rebel Fleet when an explosion from behind us caused myself to turn around and felt the intense _heat_ of a giant ball of flames, it came at us **_fast_** and with no intent of stopping.

" _Go!_ " I shouted at the rest of them and all at once we ran towards the Ghost. But the flames were catching up to us, I could feel it almost burning up against my back and I knew that even at our quickest pace it wasn't good enough. I remembered then, something Ahsoka told me once about a time when her Master were in a situation were they also ran from an explosion on a enemy ship.

Skidding to a stop, I rose my hands and summoned the Force to push my family to safety as I closed the Hanger doors between my crew, myself and the fiery gust of fire. And for the first time in six months I fully put my trust in the Force, I allowed it to calm my mind —as it has done before— as I stretched my hands out in front of me and used every ounce of my power in the Force to push the flames back.

All I felt next was the Hanger door being crushed into me as I was flown backwards and slammed into the Hanger Door that contained my crew on the other side, the pain was indescribable. I couldn't breathe— My body was **_burning_** , it felt paralyzed and my heart felt as though it was going to burst.

It felt as though I was— it was as if I was dying. I struggled to stand, because _no I couldn't die_ , I may not be needed but I still wanted to help win this war.

 _Calm yourself, Kanan Jarrus._ A soothing voice spoke calmly to me.

 _B-Bendu?_ I asked weakly, my mind felt hazy and I felt such fear, fear of not being needed of being a failure like I had been with Master Depa, with Ahsoka.

 _You shall not die, **Jedi Knight**. And you shall only become a failure once you let the shadows of doubt consume you. You are needed, **Kanan Jarrus**. Needed by many people, especially to your young apprentice._ No, no, Ezra didn't need me. He said so himself, but even so the fact that he didn't need me around anymore hurt more then any open wound ever could.

" _Ezra..._ " I found myself whispering. As the darkness claimed my mind and I blacked out soon after.

* * *

My mind was hazy as I awoke from sleep, pain was the first thing that register within my mind as well as the Force itself. A groan escaped my lips. For a moment I couldn't move a muscle, my body locked up from the intense pain it was now under. My ears were ringing and my skull felt as though it was going to split open.

Slowly, I inhaled a deep breath and tried to clear the pain away enough for me to think, for a few minutes I stayed perfectly still, trying to regain my bearings. When my paralysis finally passed I realized that something had a hold of my right hand and I rose my hand to feel who it was— I hissed as I felt deep ache stabbed me multiple times throughout my body.

The noise I made alerted the person next to me, "Kanan?" I heard Hera speak out, groggily her _Twi'lek_ accent fell from her lips without her knowledge and it made me smile.

"Been a while since I heard my name with that accent." I greeted warmly as I squeezed her hand with mine. I couldn't help but chuckle when I felt her arms wrap around my neck and held me just as she did when I came back from Malachor. I returned her embrace without even a second thought.

"Hey." I said as I stroked her neck.

"Hey." She repeated, her voice no longer held any hint of her _Twi'lek_ accent anymore. But the one I'm always use to hearing. "How are you feeling?"

"Everything hurts." I replied honestly.

"Heh, that's because you were crushed between two metal doors going about the speed of Hyperspace." She paused to squeeze me tighter. "It's amazing you weren't killed, considering the injuries and burns you suffered."

"You can't get rid of me that easily, Hera." I said as I placed a gentle peck on the side of her temple.

She let out a noise that was between a laugh and a cry, as something wet trickled down my neck, "I know, _thank goodness_." Her voice was quivering and her body was shaking but I merely hugged her through it.

"Where is everyone else?" I asked a few moments later when Hera regained her composure.

"They've been in the hallway for the past three days, refusing to leave until they let at least one of us see you, even _Chopper_ stayed until I sent them all to get some rest when the Medics finally gave me permission to stay with you." I was surprised by her statement, I knew they cared about me but I didn't know just how _much_ , I was touched. "What about Ezra?" I asked even though I was hesitant of the answer, I knew we patched things up but— I still felt that there was something keeping us apart, from being how we use to be before Malachor.

Hera laughed, finally pulling away from me but still holding onto my hand, knowing that physical contact meant so much more to me now since I lost my sight. I gave her hand a squeeze, feeling grateful. "I told them all to get some sleep, but Ezra is the one who put up a fight. Saying he _had_ to stay here to know that you were going to be okay."

"Really?" I couldn't help the shock that filled my voice when I spoke. And Hera must have picked up on that too because she squeezed my hand sympathetically. "Yes, you should have seen him when Sabine and Zeb came back to the Phoenix Squadron carrying you— I was talking to him about lifting his suspension when he just went stiff and bolted the other direction. I hadn't heard what happened yet, but he _knew_ — He knew something happened to you. And when the Medics took you away, Zeb had to hold him back." She paused for a moment, I felt her reach over with her hand and gently stroked my closed eyes lids with the pads of her thumbs. "He was a wreck, just like he was—"

"After Malachor." I breathed out, running a hand a crossed my mouth.

"He cares about you, Kanan. We may have given him the family he's always wanted but you gave him something else."

"I can't replace his father." I said immediately, I gripped the bed sheets with my free hand, my chest feeling heavy. "Nor would I ever even try."

"I know that, love. You and I can't replace the parents he lost, or the memories he shared with them, but we still can give him the love he deserves. I think they would have wanted that." I inhaled a deep breathe, and stayed silent for a few minutes. Letting her words sink into me as I calmed my thoughts.

 _You are needed, **Kanan Jarrus**. Needed by many people, especially to your young apprentice._

"Ezra..." I said as I shifted to get up off the medical bed, an urgency in my voice. I tried to ignore the pain that jolted my limbs but Hera only pushed me back down. I struggled, I needed to get to Ezra, I had too! "I _need_ to see him, Hera—" I moved again or at least I tried to. "Please— Can you—"

"You're in no condition to move, Kanan. _I'll_ send Ezra this way, you stay here and rest." Her voice was now calm and reassuring, indicating that Commander Hera had taken over.

I grunted, realizing I was fighting a losing battle I quickly accepted defeat and sank back down onto the bed, my heart pounding. "Please, hurry."

"He'll be here soon. That I have no doubt."

And with that she was gone.

.

.

A jolt of _panic_ that wasn't my own stabbed at my heart when not even a minute afterwards did I not hear the Medbay doors flying with that familiar whooshing sound along with Ezra's frantic voice calling out my name.

"Kanan!"

I felt his _fear_ , his fear that was directed towards _me_ , towards losing me and me thinking less of him for using the Sith Holocron. But mostly his fear about what happened on Malachor and that I blamed him. _Oh Ezra..._ My heart ached once more for this teenager that obviously trying so hard to hide how broken he truly is, I wasted no time in stretching my arms out wide for him in a welcoming sign of comfort.

Ezra barreled into me a second later, he clung to my back, his grip around me rivaled the way Hera was holding me before. Then I felt _relief_ coming off my student in waves, _relief_ that I was okay and that I was alive. _Relief, sadness, guilt._ Through our bond, I felt it all as Ezra cried. Tears damped my clothing on my chest, " _Kanan..._ " He sobbed out as his small body trembled from amount of pain and sadness he was feeling. " _Kanan, Kanan, Kanan._ " He cried out my name like a mantra as he buried his face in my chest. I sensed his embarrassment, his _shame_ towards himself for showing such emotions when he was suppose to be an adult.

I bit my lip and pulled him closer to me, tightening my arms around him, fiercely thinking _No, there is no age limit on showing emotions! Crying isn't a weakness, it's a **strength**._ _It shows that you are still **good** , still human_. Tears began to sting my eyes as the thought of Ezra turning to the Dark Side still terrified me, but most of all him leaving _me_ — everyone else... his family. I let out a half hearted laugh. "And here I was thinking that you didn't me, when the truth is I'm the one who needs you the most."

I felt Ezra's heart skip a beat against my hand and then _shock_ and _anger_ were thrown at me so fast it left me slightly dizzy. "Kanan— How can you say I don't need you! That I have never needed you!? How can—" Then realization hit Ezra as he moved to look at me and the anger and shock disappeared and were replaced with _guilt_ and _sadness_. "No... Kanan, _no_. I'm so sorry, I **_do_** need you around, dad. I **_do_** care about you— You took me in, you gave me a home, gave me a family with Hera and Sabine and Zeb... You gave me a father and I'm sorry— I didn't mean what I said, I didn't mean to hurt you!" Ezra cried out loudly as I could _hear_ the tears falling down his cheeks and hitting the bed sheets.

The tears I tried to keep at bay, cascaded down my face at Ezra's apology, I bowed my head. I must have brought down the walls over my own fear, guilt and sadness because I felt my padawan hug me again, whispering how sorry he was for everything and I hugged him so tightly to me. "It's okay," I said softly as I gently pulled Ezra up on the bed without letting him go, "We've both made mistakes these past six months." I let out a shaky breathe before continuing.

"After Maul blinded me, I pushed you away— I pushed everyone away. I thought I needed to deal with my disability on my own, but really I was just too scared to accept what happened to me, to let anyone in. I was angry at Maul, at Vader and I felt grief for Ahsoka. But during that time I was too wrapped up with my own emotions that I couldn't be there for you when you were in as much pain as I was. I _ **abandoned**_ you, Ezra. _For six months,_ I wasn't there. I am suppose to be your Master, how could I do such a thing?" The feelings I had towards myself the one the Bendu taught me to see within myself came flooding out of me and I couldn't stop.

" _No,_ " Ezra gasped out, "Don't say that." And I sensed him feeling overwhelmed but still wanting to help me. "You've **_always_** been there for me, Kanan. My parents use to tell me all the time that everyone deals with pain differently. And yes, you not being there... hurt— but I get why you did it. You didn't abandon me, I know you'd never do something like that."

I shook my head. " _ **No.**_ " I said fiercely, "I'll never do something like that ever again, Ezra. I promise. Never again." This was my truth, I will never again let my emotions for myself cloud my actions, I won't let them get in the way of being there for Ezra.

I leaned back suddenly, taking the teen with me as I felt exhausted mentally and physically.

"Kanan?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry for what happened to you and Ahsoka." Ezra stated as curled into himself like a Loth Cat in my embrace, being mindful of my wounds as he gently wrapped his arms around my waist. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you about Maul."

I lay my cheek on the top of his head, "It's alright. I never blamed you, Ezra. Not ever." I paused for a moment. "I'm sorry I didn't prepare you for what the Dark Side was capable of. I'm sorry I shut you and everyone out afterwards."

And for the first time Ezra laughed, and it was genuine. "Kanan, I said that I never wanted the best teacher to train me, that I wanted _you_ to help me become a Jedi. And I meant that."

I couldn't help but chuckle myself, settling down in the bed. "Look at us. We're quite a pair, aren't we? Such a mess."

"You kiddin? We're the best." Ezra yawned, sounding like he was fourteen years old again as he buried his face in my neck, letting out a content sigh and I couldn't help but pull him tighter to me.

The war wasn't over yet, there was still a lot of fear in the world and I was far from healed, far from blaming myself for my past mistakes and letting go of my guilt just as Ezra but maybe— "Thanks for always being there for me, dad."

I smiled, "You're welcome, son."

Maybe that wasn't so bad.

Because come whatever separates us, The Empire, Vader or Maul, I'll always be there for Ezra and the rest of my family, for as long as they need me I will always come back.

* * *

*collapses*

It is done!

You guy's have no idea how much I loved 'Steps Into The Shadow' I was so happy to see everyone again but after watching it a few more times I sorta mainly focused on Kanan and various scenes containing Ezra then anything else.

It's just _KANAN_! My little blind Cowboy mixed with Toph from The Last Airbender.

I feel so bad for him, I know there was a reason for making him blind but still. He's so worried about Ezra and what Ezra said about not needing him in a fit of rage when he took that Holocron away must have hurt him so much. I _need_ them to be okay, I _need_ them to hug and depend on each other.

Anywoo, thoughts? Please leave them in a review down below (seriously though, I've been feeling really down lately and I could use some words of encouragement) and I will see you all soon!


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